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Be the Sidekick of Yourself Series: I am my own Hero

Journal no.1

It started when my father lose his job. Everything changed—our way of living isn’t what it seems to be. No more car, no more delicious snacks on our refrigerator and no more travels and hangouts. And to be honest, I did my best to adjust to the situation that I am not used to. It’s so hard but I have no choice but to do it since I am aware of what is happening.

We started to lose the amount of digits in my father’s bank account, our debts are getting bigger, and we are only living in miracle since we have no stable income anymore.

And starting from that moment, I can’t feel any joy in our so called house anymore. Waking up in the morning hearing my parents arguing again and again and if not them who are crushing each other’s ego, it was me who will they scold for being such a lazy, ambitious, and disrespectful daughter—a big disappointment when all I did was to study hard, finding a part-time job, and achieving my dreams.I was so scared hearing those words from their uncover mouths, I’m so scared. Those words dig deeper into my soul.

Months after months, things doesn’t change. Still I wake up every morning hearing my dad scolding me again. Every movement of me will always be a big deal in his eyes. If only I could just escape for a day, I already did. That monster is so scary.

Living in a place where you have no one to lean on, you have no one to talk to when you feel hopeless and lost is such a pain. How can you call someone as your so called family when you can’t even feel it. Your mom and dad doesn’t like you and your younger siblings are against you. How can you call it a home when they are not waiting for you.

When will be my time to smile again? I just can’t help crying every night thinking how our family ended up like this just because of money. When will be the time, I can call this house a home again? Tell me.

And tell me when will be the time when all these efforts of mine will be visible in their eyes because if that time will never come just help me escape this place. There’s a lot of monsters in here. I can’t help it anymore. I’m drowning with my own tears and words are tangled in my mind. This isn’t my home.

But don’t tell that I’m over acting and my pain aren’t reasonable just because you have been to a more horrible situation. I am a human and therefore, I have an emotion.

No one got my back this time but only me.

By Kath Panugan

I write to share my thoughts and express my feelings.